“This lady has a
door big enough for both of us, but she won’t let me on, and now I’m frozen and
dead.”
-Titanic
It occurred
to me last week at work as I was standing in a taupe room, wearing beige and
eating vanilla ice cream cake, what exactly my biggest pet peeve is. This is the
heavyweight champ, the lord of the dance, and I didn’t even know it. It isn’t
mean people or nails on a chalkboard or people from Vermont. It isn’t teeth
grinding or nail biting or close-talking. Nay, kind reader, it is cliché hunting.
And it’s everywhere.
I stood there, in that room, like every other
room in the building (most likely painted by either a colorblind or a masochist)
eating ice cream and fake smiling. I was watching the people I work with usher
the retiring receptionist off into oblivion, not with a bang but with a whimper.
A twenty five year Sisyphus like climb up a hill with no reward, save the piece
of cake with the blue flower frosting. I stood there, and I listened. I heard
the nonsense spill from their mouths, and suddenly something occurred to me.
Then and there I realized that it wasn’t the content of the stupid things they
say to me and everyone else on a daily basis, it was the fact that it was recycled. Not just by them, over and
over, but clearly from other sources. They obviously hear a “you know what they
say” here or a “would you look at that” there and think, “that sounds like
something I would say. I’m going to repeat it.”
You’ve seen it, you’ve probably
done it. It’s okay to be the guy who “came into buy milk and just LOOK what
happened”, guy once or twice, just for something to say in the checkout line to
the awkward sixteen-year-old that’s selling you your sustenance. Maybe you
throw a “if you don’t like the weather in New England, you know what they say,
just wait five minutes” into a conversation about the weather just to tide you
over. (They didn’t say that by the way, Mark Twain did).
But like any addiction it will start small, and it will
grow, and you will lose control.
You start chasing bigger and bigger
clichés, bigger thrills as you tango with the “I knew you when you were only
THIS tall” or the “Same shit different day, am I right?” and you can’t stop
yourself. Like a bull in a china shop you’re eventually saying things like “like
a bull in a china shop” and all of a sudden you realize you speak completely in
idioms and there is no stopping you.
You’ve gathered every cliché you’ve
ever heard, you’re the best damn hunter in the land and now it’s time to leave
Jumanji to hunt the most dangerous game. Nobody can stop you, nobody can talk
smaller in small talk, there isn’t a person alive that can enter or leave a
conversation with the dripping, soulless repetition that you can.
You’re the resident “funny guy” at
the office because you’ve started inventing your own tired catchphrases, huh?
How are you, Mark? “Just another day in paradise, buddy.” Yeah, is it Mark?
Because that’s the 200th time you’ve said that to me, and I’m starting
to ponder casting you out of Eden.
Just remember, when you hear
yourself say the words, “Jeez, you know, you give some people an inch and they’ll
take a mile, huh?” you should always follow them with, “I need help”.
You might say, hey there Siz, it’s
just people making conversation, what’s the big deal? The big deal is that it
isn’t just people making conversation it is people interacting with the world
around them in the laziest possible way. Getting out of bed in the morning and
putting on your pants is not a recognized form of accomplishment, you have to
turn your brain on and open your fucking eyes, otherwise you are just in the
way, and I have absolutely no time for you.
Don’t think I’ve forgotten about
you, hipsters. Yeah, you, the one reading this saying, “yeah, I mean, I do
that, but I do it ironically to be funny because I get how over-used they are,
I understand that they colloquial metaphor has been…” Yep, time for you to shut
the fuck up, douche. These things have been made ironic and non-ironic so many
times nobody even understands which one they are anymore which makes them
redundant, like most things you like… or do you not like them now? I can’t tell
anymore and this is a rant for another day.
In summation, here’s a short list
of phrases you are no longer allowed to say, and a brief explanation of why you
are no longer allowed to say them, excluding the ones already discussed. Enjoy.
“Jesus, I remember
when gas cost…” Yes, gasoline is expensive. Yes, it used to be less expensive. Everyone
realizes this, stop pointing it out.
“When I was your age…” When
you were my age was everything as inevitably boring as what is going to follow
that sentence?
“It’s nice to be
important but it’s more important to be nice” No it
isn’t. It’s way more important to be important. What fucking world do you live
in? Important people crush nice people all the time. Definitely choose
important if you have the option.
“Money doesn’t buy you
happiness, you know”. Yes it does.
“You gotta play the
hand you’re dealt” No you don’t, in poker you can give cards back, so what you just said? It stupid.
“Yeah, I’ll put a bug
in his ear about it” Why would you put a bug in somebody’s ear?
That one has never made sense to me…
“Jeez, open mouth
insert foot” No, don’t open mouth.
And there are many more I’m sure you will hear throughout
your day, just make sure you aren’t the guy saying them, because then I hate
you.
