It's the Reckoning, I Reckon

“Fuck those shorts.”
  -Marc Maron

 

                                                                                                                                                                                     


 

                Yesterday, after a long hard day of doing very little, I went home and cackled endlessly. I laughed and I laughed and sighed deeply after I finished laughing, I got that buzz, that rare tingle that you get when you are thoroughly enjoying something by yourself other than masturbation. I was watching Marc Maron’s new stand up special, “Thinky Pain” and my was it enlightening.  

Stand-up comedy, for me, is less about jokes and more about making a point, and delivering it through a medium where people naturally have their guards down. The more unique the world view, the better the comic. If you see a really good set, it should get you thinking, it should at least start to change your mind about something.

                The best thing Marc did for me yesterday was to change my thinking about a certain behavior that I know I absolutely love ritualizing: judging the absolute shit out of people. He frames the act of judging someone as one of the only pleasures left in life, and all I could think about was how it was a favorite pastime of mine, hell of everyone, but as a society we are taught, for some reason, to never do it.

 

Thanks to Marc when the Brady bunch tries to teach me a lesson about how treating everyone with kindness and respect no matter what  I get to say, “Fuck you Carol, your haircut looks stupid and nobody raising this many kids is this well put together, turn over the blue pills and we’ll call it a day. Boom.”

               

Guess who plugged that idiotic way of thinking into the zeitgeist? The people we should be judging the most, and they know it. The one thing, the only thing, that every idiot wearing flip flops, everybody with Jack Johnson T-Shirts and all those fucking assholes that sit red faced and self-satisfied behind the wheel of their 2014 Prius seemed to achieve is put up a wall against us calling them out for their bullshit way of life. They got one over on us thinkers, us non wristband wearing citizens of the world that get haircuts and say things reinforced by knowledge of facts.

 

We must rise up, we must overcome. Free at last, free at last.

 

The best part about actively scanning every room that you walk into for prey is that it keeps your eyes open; it keeps you plugged into the world. It helps you relate to people that are just as good at judging as you, and makes you better at defending judgment that comes your way. Without it, we are just humans on display, slowly trolleying by without a thought in our heads. With it, we are Captain America, standing up for Freedom, Justice, and the American way. We have perspective, context, a frame of reference for why what you are doing is wrong, and we are armed to the teeth with quips and quotes about you need to be stopped, for the good of humanity. This is how we improve and I welcome judgment from those properly equipped to give it, because at least their eyes are open.

Hating other people creates bonds between us that can never be broken. I’ve fallen in love with girls over mutual judgment of a weird third party we couldn’t wait to get out of the car. I have close friends, friends I’ve had for years with whom I share a mutual bond of respect and trust, but anyone that understands the dynamic of a male friend group understands that whoever isn’t there at the same time as everyone else is going to get bagged on, and bag on them we do.

I’m not outside of the crosshairs, I get called out on things all the time, and those that do so are right to do it. My closest friends haven’t said three sentences before they tell me something I am doing or have done wrong right as they walk in the door, and it’s why I love them! Some of our best banter has come from judgment and condescension, let the chess match commence! It is a meeting of minds and at least we are honest. As my friend Matt likes to say, “Do you want a friend, or do you want someone who spoon feeds you bullshit?”

Put the spoon down buddy, I can take it.

This faux, overhyped mental mishap about being nice to one another is why we have American Idol auditions (and don’t get me wrong, I judge those wastes of space as well, I just wish they had have come to me first before getting in front of a camera). This is why people embarrass themselves on national television and ruin their entire lives, forever known as the idiot who once did that thing, because nobody told them they were bad at what they were attempting to do. It’s fine to take the attitude of, “he’s putting me down because of his own problems blah blah blah” because not everyone has the right motivations. If it becomes, however,  “they are all putting me down because of their own issues” then that is called a consensus and you need to stop. No no, don’t say anything else, just stop. Go home. Re-apply to Devry, guy.

Judge not lest ye be judged? Ye be judged my man, trust me, they are just doing it silently.

 

Hey Sizzle, relax man. You shouldn’t want to hurt people’s feelings, you shouldn’t want to judge, because you wouldn’t want someone criticizing you, would you? Huh?

 I decided that I hate you before you even finished that sentence Wally Beaver.

 You are sentenced for that sentence.

You are road kill on the highway of progress and I’m better for moving my two ton over slightly to make sure you were out of your misery.

 

Open your heart and let the reckoning commence, because trust me, you want to be on the right side when everyone with a Bluetooth or a barbed wire arm tattoo stares blankly into the face of the rapture.